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It is probably much easier to see how holding a negative judgment of someone builds separation and how you see him/her as an enemy. Think of someone you have a negative judgment about – perhaps you think they are rude, selfish, obnoxious. You probably don’t have to think too long or hard before names and faces pop into your mind. Grrrr, they are just so wrong! Isn’t that how it goes? Maybe it is your Ex who brings up the strongest emotions. Maybe it is someone else. Sad but true; it is often the people who have been most dear to you that end up as your arch enemy in battle, real or just in your mind. I know; it has certainly happened to me.

No matter whom it may be, an old friend, an in-law, a public official, a celebrity on the television, or your Ex; it’s the same story. Enemy images are a way in which we think about someone. I don’t know about you, but an enemy image can arise in my mind very quickly and quite effortlessly.

When we fail to agree with someone’s actions, beliefs or values, our first response can often be an automatic, vivid enemy-image projection. We find ourselves feeling completely disconnected, maybe disgusted, outraged and even self-righteous in the face of a perceived assault on our own actions, beliefs or values. Our “enemy” is selfish, stupid, deluded, aggressive, insensitive and intolerant. Feel free to add to this list of characteristics!

An enemy image can extend to an entire group of people, not just one or two people who bother you. Not only are that person or group different and therefore your enemy, but in your mind, they probably are also inferior to you.

When we hold negative enemy images of others, we typically put ourselves above our “enemy.” A friend told me about a time when she was on the playground in the 3^rd grade. She remembers goofing around with her friends. They thought they were the “in” group. The other girls, well, not so much. Dang, they thought they were so cool. The other girls they judged as creepy and brainy. (Anyone familiar with this?!) The message? Obviously her girl-gang was far superior!

Taken to the extreme, the nurturing of our enemy images can evolve to the level of dehumanizing the other. When we consistently fail to go deeper, to ask ourselves if holding a particular enemy image might make us believe we are somehow better than them; when we do not inquire beyond this sense of superiority to understand our part in circumstances or thoughts leading to the enemy image, we only make things worse. We expand the gulf between ourselves and maybe, let’s say, with our Ex or former best friend.

How do we do it? We strip our “enemy” of all human qualities. We reduce them to a static entity, incapable of change or even their humanness. At the same time, we grow stronger in defense of our own position and self-judgment that we are superior. Closing the gap becomes almost impossible. Alas, the enmity grows; the war begins, or worse, accelerates.

From my perspective, enemy images exist even when you hold a positive judgment of someone. Why? Because anytime we judge another we create separation. When you have a judgment of another person, you are seeing them as separate from you – perhaps better than you. As I mentioned above, it is often the people we once felt most close to, had the strongest positive judgments about, that we now hold with increasing disdain and harsh judgment. The fall from grace is often rather short and quick.

Instead of holding judgments, we can explore within our hearts what it is we are feeling and needing. When you notice that you are judging another person, you can ask yourself what it is that you need. Is it that the behavior you are judging is painful and you need respect? Is it understanding? Often the judgment itself (he’s so selfish) will shed light on the underlying need (consideration). Once you can shift from seeing the other person as wrong, you will move out of an enemy image. When you can shift to see your shared humanity, your common needs, you will be more likely to find solutions to your differences and struggles.

Give it a try and let me know what you think below.

In support ~

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You see, once you get divorced, you typically lose the type of leverage you had when married. When you were married, you had some say about your preferences regarding what your child did and didn’t do, and when they did or didn’t do it. Once divorced, your Ex may not care one bit about your preferences which leaves you with little or no leverage in these matters.

One of the greatest challenges in divorce is learning to let go and letting the other parent make decisions that affect your children’s lives without your input. Yet, giving up your ability to impact the other parent’s decisions is critical to creating a healthy post-divorce relationship with your former spouse or partner. At the same time, it is also important to build a foundation with your former partner or spouse so you are open to working through your disagreements. Sometimes, a former spouse is simply unwilling to work in partnership with his/her Ex; it is in those times when letting go becomes a deep spiritual practice.

If you and your spouse are willing to talk about how to navigate decision-making, then here are some helpful suggestions to lay a healthy foundation moving forward.

1. Determine which issues you absolutely want to decide together. This usually includes things such as educational decisions, non-emergency health care decisions, etc.
2. Determine which issues you want to discuss, but when the children are with you each of you decides independently. This may include things such as whether a child stays home from school.
3. Determine which issues you each decide and don’t need to discuss. This may include things such as which foods your children eat or when your children go to bed.
4. If any issue does not matter to you, let it go. If one parent really cares about something, such as health care providers, and the other parent really does not care, don’t fight about it. Choose your battles wisely.
5. Ask yourself, why am I fighting about this; what is so important to me? Be honest with yourself. Are you fighting because you are angry about something else with your former? If so, talk about that.
6. Grieve. Letting go of decisions that affect your children’s lives is extremely difficult at anytime in a child’s life. You yearn to play a meaningful role in your child’s life and to be involved in decisions from the mundane to the ones that really matter, but in divorce, you lose some of your influence and power. Give yourself the time to grieve and mourn this loss. Be gentle with yourself AND with your former spouse. This is not easy.

If you and your Ex are unable to work together and your former spouse/partner is making decisions that you do not agree with, this is where the rubber meets the road. This, my friends, is when you really need both a deep spiritual practice to guide and support you through this as well as the compassionate guidance and support of a professional (and friends). It becomes critical, at times such as these, to remember the sacred covenant you made with yourself and your child so that your hurt, anger and grief are not driving your decision-making and interfering with what is genuinely best for your child.

If you are interested in gaining support and skills to help you parent with your Ex so your children are kept out of the emotional crossfire, please click here to get the program recording from April 16^th.

In Support ~

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With the birth of each of my two baby boys, I delighted in extreme awe of the blessed gift given to my husband and me. While I knew that each birth was a sacred moment that would forever change my life, I did not realize that at that moment of soulful connection, enveloped in love for my children, I spontaneously made a covenant with each of my boys and with myself. What I mean is, with complete ease and sincerity, I agreed to put their needs ahead of mine. I agreed to do all I could in my power to become the best person I could so they could have the greatest opportunity to embody the fullness of who they were meant to be on their life’s journey.

In that precious moment, among the things I committed to were to:

• Hold their hearts with utmost tenderness and care
• Keep them safe
• Do my best to keep them healthy
• Provide unconditional love and acceptance
• Support their relationship with loved ones
• Give them every opportunity possible
• Help them to have personal integrity
• Get out of the way so they could have their own life journey unencumbered by my fears, pains, sorrows and dreams

I call this agreement with my children a SACRED COVENANT. I am confident that most parents also make this covenant with their children.

The thing about the sacred covenant is that when you make it, in those first moments with your child, you are not aware you made it! It’s kind of sneaky that way. That’s because the covenant is one you are making not just with your child, or not even really with your child. The covenant is one you are making with yourself. Your higher self, your soul, your inner God or Goddess, your spirit, your light (whatever you want to call it), in that moment, is speaking to you through your heart and body and calling you to your highest self – to put aside your ego and live life from a place of deep integrity, deep love, deep spiritual resonance.

Divorce is one of those instances when the sacred covenant we make with our children and ourselves is both called to our attention and deeply challenged. For example, I am confident when your child was first born you did not think to yourself, “when your mom or dad and I get divorced, I’m going to be sure I have more time with you than s/he does”. No, instead all you wanted was for both of you to have a joyful, meaningful, rich relationship with your child (and each other) – you envisioned a family. The thought of counting how many hours, days, or nights you had with your child was the farthest thing from your mind (unless, like me, your children did not sleep and then any break was certainly welcome!).

While a divorce undermines the relationship between parents, it does not have to undermine parents’ relationships with their children. Not only CAN you maintain your commitment to support your child’s relationship with his/her other parent during and after divorce but also it is your duty to do so. It is your duty to do so because that is the covenant you made with your child and with yourself. During divorce and beyond, you will be given one opportunity after another to choose between your ego, your hurt, angry, fearful self and your deeper soulful self.

When we are caught in our emotions, it becomes extremely difficult to remember the covenant we made. That is why one of the aspects of the covenant I made with my children is that I commit to ensuring that I get out of their way and do not allow my pains, hurts, fears, desire for revenge, and even my dreams to interfere with their soul’s journey. And part of their soul’s journey is to give them the space and support they need to have a healthy relationship with both of their parents.

So the question becomes, how, in those moments of pain and sorrow, of agony and anger, do I remember to draw on my higher self – the one that made that covenant with my child and me when he was born?

Take a moment right now, stand up and close your eyes. Picture the first time you held, saw or touched your child(ren). Allow yourself to really feel into that moment again as if you are reliving it now. Feel your feet touching the floor and feel yourself grounded in the earth. Breathe in and as you remember back to that sacred, blessed moment, ask yourself, “what is the covenant you made with your child(ren) and yourself?”. Be specific. When you first saw or touched your child, what did you see in your child’s eyes? What did you feel in your heart? How did you promise (even though you may not have known it at the time) to honor, protect and love your child? Allow those promises to fill your body and your heart so you can access them anytime you need. Breathe them in and feel yourself deeply grounded in the earth, knowing it is supporting you.

Now open your eyes and just let those promises sink in and then write them down in your journal or someplace you won’t lose them so you can return to them again and again so that when you are struggling with your former you are able to draw on these promises, on this sacred covenant, and know that even though you are in pain, you know and trust you are doing all you can to uphold that sacred commitment you made both to your child and yourself. Allow these commitments to guide your decisions, to provide sustenance to you when you are in agony and grief, to hold you as you hold your child. When the going gets tough and it is hard for you to act in integrity, remember the covenant you made with yourself and your child(ren) and let that help guide you to the right response.

In Support ~

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If you are not really listening, lack an emotional connection with who is speaking, and don’t care about what they are saying, feeling or needing . . . your involvement in the conversation may actually be less than neutral! In fact, it more likely ranges from being simply disengaged and uncaring to sliding into some degree of blame, judgment, or criticism and everything in between.

On the extreme end of non-empathy, we have blame, judgment and criticism. It is probably obvious that these are not empathy. But what are they really? They are our thoughts about the other person. So what’s so bad about judging, criticizing or blaming someone? Well, when we use any of these communication tactics in our response to someone, the feedback could not be more obvious nor usually more instantaneous – hurt feelings, reciprocal blame, judgment, or criticism, and even complete shutting down of the conversation. In the end, no one is heard and no one’s needs get addressed.

Being disengaged and not caring is also not empathy and like criticism, judgment, and blame, disengagement and lack of care are unlikely to build rapport or connection in your communication. When there is no rapport or connection in communication, it is unlikely to be a satisfying interaction for either person involved.

Another communication tactic we often use is trying to convince the other person that they are wrong – this also is not empathy. When you try to convince the other person that you are right, you are focused on yourself, not the other person. As I discussed in my previous blog on Empathy, empathy is being present with the other person’s experience.

Ironically, even agreeing with the other person’s experience is also NOT empathy!! This one always trips people up. How can agreement not be empathy? Isn’t empathy trying to understand someone else’s viewpoint? Well, yes, it is trying to see the world from their perspective, but it is not agreeing with them. That is simply agreement! When we agree with someone, we do not necessarily give them the opportunity for deepening their own self-awareness and knowledge. For me, a key component of empathy is helping the other person gain deeper insight into his/her own experience. Rather than looking outside of him/herself for validation that they are OK, or that their position, feelings or needs are valid, empathy provides an opportunity for a person to gain greater insight and trust of themselves.

And that, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts of empathy!

In support ~

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Empathy for others is no different from when we have empathy for ourselves; it focuses on three things:

(1) trying to genuinely understand the other person’s perspective and experience,

(2) creating a connection with the other person so they feel understood and gotten, and

(3) helping the other person gain deeper insight into their own feelings and needs.

Often being empathic is described as standing in someone else’s shoes. Trying to imagine how she sees the world. Sometimes when I am trying to genuinely understand the other person’s perspective, I imagine myself literally standing as them in their place. I hold my body the way s/he does, I stand where s/he stands, and I try to embody his/her being.

This is no small feat for a couple of reasons! First, usually when we are in a conversation or argument with someone, rather than listen, I mean, really listen, we focus our attention on our response. If you think about this it is really rather ironic. First, when we focus on our response, we do not hear what is being said. In which case, our response can be quite irrelevant! Second, if we want to be heard ourselves, we have to be willing to listen! Either way, our needs are not getting met! When both people are talking and no one is listening, no one is actually communicating! You are simply talking. Communication is a two-way street – it involves BOTH listening (i.e., actually hearing) and speaking!

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So how do you really listen?
1. Presence: Temporarily put your own position on the back burner. That does not mean you drop what is important to you and never raise it, it means you recognize that you are more likely to be heard if the other person is heard.

2. Curious: Become genuinely curious about what is going on for the other person.

3. Listen to the Meaning: Listen not just to the words that are being spoken but also to the meaning underneath the words. What is it that is so important in the words being spoken? What matters most to this person?

4. Open: Be receptive and open rather than defensive. They are simply sharing their perspective; it is not the truth of who you are or of the experience.

5. Reflection: This includes reflecting back what you hear the other person saying. You want the other person to have a sense of being “gotten” or understood.

6. Reframe: Reframe what is being said into language that captures the needs that are so important to him/her. (For example you might say, “Are you really worried about our son’s well-being?” Or, “Do you want to know that our daughter is safe?”)

When you are able to listen in this way, it is more likely that your Ex will feel heard. When this happens, it is more likely s/he will be able to hear you in return. You are far more likely to get your own needs met when you hear one another than if you try to convince your Ex that you are right or if you try to read him/her the riot act!

I can hear you saying to yourself (or perhaps if you are like me out loud!), yea but s/he NEVER listens and I always do! I want to propose that perhaps you are not actually HEARING what your Ex is saying. If you genuinely want to hear your Ex, you can ask him/her the following question. “I think I am understanding you and this is what I am hearing you say [then reflect back what you are hearing], am I hearing you correctly?” Then open your heart to hear your Ex differently. I know it can be exhausting to try to do this again and again and yet if you are committed to parenting effectively with your former partner or spouse so your kids are protected, then it is worth the effort!

In support,

The times when your fear and anxiety is front and center, you are usually defensive and reactive. You find it nearly impossible to hear the other person’s perspective let alone make the best decisions. Think of it this way, imagine being curled up in a little ball and thinking that things that are really precious to you are going to be taken away – your children, your financial security, your job, your dreams and vision of the future, of yourself, your life, your identity.

The “curled up in a ball” metaphor probably feels familiar to you and may be how you are or how you have experienced the world. At those times, you are trying to protect yourself. When you are protecting yourself, you will likely either lash out or go further inward. In either response, you are acting from a position of powerlessness rather than from a place of power. To shift from a place of powerless to gain insight into your experience, practice the exercise from my previous blog Are Your Fears and Anxieties Getting the Best of You? [link to previous blog post]

Once you are no longer in a reactive state, you can begin to objectively explore your options. From this place, you will feel more empowered. This will give you more certainty that the decisions you are making are genuinely related to the situation at hand rather than a reaction from your fear or anxiety.

Another huge benefit? You will have more peace of mind and heart and that is priceless!

Image: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So upset you can barely control your temper?

You know that exploding will not be helpful, but you can’t seem to stop yourself?

Here’s a tool you can use to stop losing your temper and start winning instead.

By winning I do not mean winning the argument – sorry!

What I do mean is implementing a few simple practices to stop losing your temper . . . and when you control your temper – you WIN!

WIN stands for Witnessing and Naming your Experience (I guess I could call it WINE but I like the acronym of WIN better!)

Here’s what you do.

Step 1:

Draw a stick figure on a piece of paper.

Step 2:

Below the stick figure draw a horizontal like this:

___________________________________________

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Step 3:

Write down something your Ex (or anyone) says or does that triggers you (i.e., something that pushes your buttons or that you have a big reaction to.) For example, maybe your former spouse tells you “the kids are always filthy when you drop them off at my house” or “you are always late to pick them up.” Get the idea?

Step 4:

Say out loud what you wrote down that triggers you.

Step 5:

Circle or mark on the scale how triggered or upset you are, 1 being not upset at all and 10 being extremely upset.

Step 6:

Witness what is happening in your body. Do a body scan beginning at your head and become aware of what is physically happening in your body from your head to your toes.

Step 7:

Mark on your stick figure where you feel tension and stress in your body.

Step 8:

Name what is happening in your body. As you scan your body, name what you are feeling. For example, the front of my head is tight and tense. My jaw is clenched. My heart is racing.

Continue to move down your body and witness and name what is happening.

Step 9:

When you have completed your body scan, take note of the tension level in your body and mark that on your scale of 1-10.

Step 10:

Please share your experience with me.

More tomorrow on why this is important to do and how it helps you to stop losing your temper. Stay tuned. . .

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can not just survive divorce, but thrive.

The day began as a warmish, cloudy fall day so I decided to walk to work – knowing I had a full day but feeling confident that I could get it all done.

But when I arrived at work my day rapidly began to unravel!

First, I received a scathing email from my former husband.

Then I went to post my blog and the font was messed up and the entire blog disappeared.

I had client emergencies and a son who had no school and wanted to hang out with me (how often does that happen with a teenager?)

The changing energy and mood in my office mirrored the weather outside. It was now POURING and windy outside – ensuring I’d be drenched by the time I walked home!

How is this like Parenting with Your Ex you ask?

Parenting with someone you are no longer in a relationship with can most definitely be one of the greatest challenges of life. (On good days, I look at it as one of my greatest teachers!)

All the good will you granted each other when you were in a relationship together seems to evaporate and left in its place is a stormy ride!

Clipart Image: vegadsl

So, I decided to practice what I preach! And in the middle of my blog post challenges, the disturbing email from my ex, and the client crises – I PAUSED and witnessed and named my experience.

The result, I relaxed and knew what to do . . . and went home to be with my son!

This is part of my SACRED PAUSE. Since I am not an ER doctor, it is EXTREMELY rare that I am in an emergency situation that requires immediate action. So I have plenty of time to slow down and be more mindful about what I say or do.

“By pausing, we can make a decision from our heart and one we won’t regret.” (Quoting my son here!)

Give it a try. Yes, even when (especially when) your former partner or spouse does something that is completely over-the-top – take a Sacred Pause and see what happens.

And then please share your experience with me . . .

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can not just survive divorce, but thrive.

Friday I shared with you a powerful tool to help you from losing your temper. I promised to share with you why this tool is important and how come it works.

When we lose our tempers, we only escalate the problem. I’m sure you are familiar with this phenomenon.

You are trying to get your point across, your former partner or spouse is trying to get her point across and you are talking at each other. No one is listening and tempers are flaring. As tempers flare, things get out of control.

All in all, not a good thing!

Practicing WIN – witness and naming what is happening – helps interrupt your habitual reaction. Instead of reacting, you can CHOOSE how to respond.

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

When you are triggered, your adrenaline kicks in. When your adrenaline starts to take over, the front part of your brain (the part that is rational, reasonable and connected to positive visions) disconnects from the lower part of your brain (what you’ve probably heard of as your “reptilian brain”). When that happens, your responses are driven by fight, flight and freeze.

It’s as if the steam has become so intense that the pressure builds up and you flip your lid (or gone off line). Which is exactly what happens, the front part of the brain loses connection with the rest of your brain and body. (Thanks to Daniel Siegel from his book, Mindsight for the image of flipping your lid – what a great image!).

Witnessing and naming your experience helps to interrupt that pattern and get your brain back on-line and close the lid.

If you practice what I shared Friday you can experience the difference yourself.

But here’s the challenge – when you are triggered, stopping yourself from reacting and witnessing yourself in the moment is extremely DIFFICULT because your reptilian brain is quite strong and overpowering (think about how long reptiles have survived on our planet!).

To help you do this in the moment of being triggered, I encourage (challenge!) you to practice WIN every morning when you wake up (when you are not triggered) so that you can do it with more ease when you are triggered.

Please post here and share how you are doing!

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.

When my son was about 6 years old, we were deciding what we wanted to do. We each wanted to do something different and the conversation was quickly deteriorating into a disagreement – “I want to do X”, “no I want to do Y”. I realize he was the kid so I “should” have given in, but for some reason I did not see that at the moment (and not remembering the specifics of what we were disagreeing about, it is hard to remember why I was so stuck in my position, but I’m sure I had a good reason!).

Even though I was somewhat stuck, I did have a moment of clarity and asked the following question: “On a scale of 1 to 10 (here I go again with the scale thing!), how important is it to do what you want?” Now I know my son well enough to know that he was going to ask me the same question after he answered me, so I was digging deep to figure out how much I really cared about what I wanted to do.

His answer surprised me. He said he was at a 5. I was thinking, you’re at a 5, then why don’t you just do what I want?! Then, just as I suspected, he asked me what number I was at. To my surprise, when I really checked in with myself, I realized I was at a 5 too! Begging the obvious question, why didn’t I just do what he wanted?!

Weird, huh? Neither of us felt all that strongly about what we were proposing and yet somehow, we were both digging our heels in. When we realized we were both at a 5, everything shifted. If my memory serves me, we then began disagreeing about doing what the other wanted! So we ended up exploring something else to do that would be more fun for both of us! Why do something that is only a 5 when you can do something that is a 9 or 10?!

Try this next time you are in a disagreement: Ask YOURSELF: On a scale of 1-10 how important is this to you?” (Be HONEST!) After you ask yourself this question, ask the other person the same question.

You may be surprised by the answer and outcome.

In exploration and support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.