Learning to Let Go

Building Block #5 ~ Choice/Autonomy

One of the greatest challenges in divorce is learning to let go and letting the other parent make decisions that affect your children’s lives without being involved in those decision.  Yet, letting go and giving the other parent the opportunity to make decisions without your involvement is critical to creating a healthy post-divorce relationship with your former spouse or partner.

To help you and your former spouse navigate decision-making with as much ease as possible I have a few suggestions that have proven helpful.

1.    Determine which issues you absolutely want to decide together.  This usually includes things such as educational decisions, non-emergency health care decisions, etc.

 2.    Determine which issues you want to talk about together but each of you decides independently when the children are with you.  This may include things such as whether a child stays home from school.

 3.    Determine which issues you each decide and don’t need to talk with each other about.  This may include things such as which foods your children eat or when your children go to bed.

 4.    If it really doesn’t matter to you, let it go.  If one parent really cares about something, such as health care providers, and the other parent really does not care, don’t fight about it.  Choose your battles wisely.

 5.    Ask yourself, why am I fighting about this; what is so important to me about this? Be honest with yourself.  Are you fighting because you are angry about something else with your former?  If so, talk about that. 

6.    Grieve.  Letting go of decisions that affect your children’s lives is extremely difficult at anytime in a child’s life.  Allow yourself to really grieve and mourn this loss.  You yearn to play a meaningful role in your child’s life and to be involved in decisions from the mundane to the ones that really matter.  And in divorce, you lose some of this influence and power, often when a child is very young.  Be gentle with yourself AND with your former spouse.  This is not easy.

In service and support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business.  Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

Wanna Go Shopping . . .

This Too Shall Pass!

The other day I wanted to go shopping.  Now you have to understand I HATE shopping.  Seriously, I really hate shopping.

You may wonder why I would want to go shopping.  Well, I wondered the same thing and began to explore where that desire was coming from.  So, as I was walking my dog alone feeling a desire to go shopping I let myself sink into my body and the feeling of desire and just be present with that.

What I discovered surprised me.  I wanted to go shopping because I felt lonely and empty and wanted to fill-up that void.  I have to say that a “yuck” feeling overcame me – I want to go shopping to fill a void.  Ugh.   Rather than go further down that self-judgmental path or take action and go shopping, I let myself be present with those feelings. 

Let me tell you, it was not easy.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  But instead, I dug deeper and became alive to me.  I asked myself, what I was wanting rather than what was missing in my life.  When I searched there, I became aware of my desire for connection and meaning and stayed present with that.

I “did” nothing.  And amazingly, the desire to shop, the feelings of loneliness and emptiness, the void, all passed and I became present to my connection and fun with my dog, the beautiful trail I was walking on, the awesome clouds and sky and found meaning once again in the present moment.

As always, I love to hear your thoughts and comment.  Please post them below.

In service ~

 Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business.  Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

photo credit:  sippakorn

In my previous blogs I spoke about the importance of establishing Connection and Listening when navigating life with your former after divorce. 

If you create a quality of connection at the beginning of a conversation and really listen to the other person’s concerns, it will increase the likelihood that you will listen to and hear each other.

The 3rd Building Block is to express appreciation and acknowledgment.  By appreciation and acknowledgment, I mean being seen and appreciated for the gifts we bring to other people and the world.

OK, so this can be hard, right?  Sometimes you are so mad at your former that you cannot find ANYTHING you appreciate about him and cannot acknowledge anything good about her. 

Well, if you want to have a successful interaction – dig deep and find something. I KNOW it’s there – you were in a relationship with them after all.  At one point you loved her/him a lot.  What is it that attracted you to your former?  What gifts does s/he bring to your child, the world, friends, even you?

Are you grateful that he is willing to talk with you about your child?  Do you appreciate that she spent a lot of her time and energy raising the kids while you were focusing on your career?  Can you acknowledge his commitment to his children?

I know this can be hard.  I want to encourage you to give it a try because if you are able to express appreciation, it is more likely that you will get your needs met in your conversations.  

One way to start is to ask yourself what you appreciate about YOURSELF!!  What gifts do you bring to the world? What gifts does your former spouse bring to the world?  What gifts do and did your former bring to your family?  

In service ~ 

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business.  Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

I touched briefly on the importance of LISTENING in my last blog on Building Block #1 – Connection.  I want to elaborate on it here.

When I talk about listening, I mean REALLY listening.  Often when we listen, we hear one thing the person says and then we plan our response.  It is a more of a debate than a genuine conversation and neither person feels heard nor understood. 

In fact, often we don’t even listen at all.  We know what the topic of the conversation is and focus on what we want to say rather than hear what the other person is saying.  We want to convince the other side of our position and get her to agree. 

The problem with this approach is that when we are more focused on talking than on listening, no one is heard.  When we feel heard, we are more likely to hear the other person.

Here are 3 things you can do to improve your listening so that you are heard!

1.  Presence

Try to quiet your mind and focus your attention on what the other person is saying.  Maintain eye contact and keep your heart and mind open and receptive. To help you do this, breathe deeply. 

 2.  Reflection

Reflect what you hear the other person say – both the emotional tone and the facts they are relaying.  You want the other person to have a sense of being “gotten” or understood. Check with the other person to make sure you are hearing him correctly.

For example, “It sounds like you are angry because our son has missed school 3 times this week.  Am I hearing you correctly?”

3.  Reframe

Try to reframe any judgments or criticisms into what is so important to this person that he is judging, criticizing or blaming you.

For example, “Are you worried about our son’s health and academics?”

Give these a try and PLEASE let me know how it goes.

In Service ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business.  Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

Building Block #1 ~ CONNECTION

Connection is so difficult to achieve, especially when we are in conflict or disagreement with someone else.

When I talk about connection, I am referring to a sense of emotional connection - an ability to relate to one another from our heart.  It is important to create quality of connection because connection builds a sense of trust and safety.

This quality of connection is often shattered in and through divorce, yet it is critical to rebuild if you are to have a successful co-parenting relationship.  Not to mention that learning how to rebuild connection after it is broken in any relationship is a great life skill that you will carry on to future relationships.

There are many ways to rebuild connection when it is broken.  It is important to focus on both creating a connection in the moment AND rebuilding connection over time. 

Here are 5 things you can to do create connection in the moment and to rebuild it over time.

1.  Be honest in your conversations and actions.

2.  Begin conversations by focusing on people and experiences that are important to both of you (e.g., your children, memories, things you both enjoy).

3.  Take responsibility for your part in your interactions (both recent and past).

4.  Really listen – not to the words that are being spoken but the meaning behind the words.

5.  Ask the other person what they need to have a sense of connection and trust.

When connection and trust are broken, it takes time to rebuild it.  You build a house from the bottom up – beginning with the foundation.  To help rebuild connection with your former (or anyone else), you also need to start at the very foundation.

Ask yourself what YOU can do to begin to contribute to the building blocks of  a healthy post-divorce relationship.

In service ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

building blocks photo by renjith krishnan

I believe that we experience conflict when we do not have the resources or skills we need. From that perspective, I  see conflict as an opportunity to increase and enhance my skills and resources.

To that end, I want to explore what opportunities arise when we experience conflict and how we can transform our fear of conflict into an opportunity and exploration.

I see conflict as opportunities for various things; I will list them here.

1. Conflict is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. Why is this so upsetting to me? What I am really unhappy about? What am I afraid of? What is it that I really want in this situation?

2. Conflict is an opportunity to learn more about the other person. Why is this so upsetting to him/her? What is she/he so unhappy about? What is she/he afraid of? What is it that she/he really wants in this situation?

3. Conflict is an opportunity to increase one’s resources, both internal and external. Do I have the skills and resources to solve this problem myself? If so, what are those skills? If not, who can support me in this dilemma? What additional skills do I need? Where can I learn those skills?

4. Conflict is an opportunity to enhance my ability to creatively brainstorm and solve problems. We usually see conflict in a very one-dimensional way: I am right, You are wrong. When we see the world in this way, we have very limited vision and ability to think creatively. Conflict provides us the opportunity to see the situation from the other person’s perspective and thus to see more possible solutions to the problem.

5. Conflict is an opportunity to build trust in myself and others. When we work through a conflict in a respectful way, we learn how to listen to ourselves and each other better and we solve problems together. This builds trust in ourselves and in each other.

While I do not want to encourage anyone to go out a create a conflict, I do want to encourage you to see conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow and perhaps transform something that seemed insurmountable and miserable into something that generates new possibilities for all.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!!

Thanks ~ cat

Good luck and feel free to let me know how you are doing!

In journey with you ~

cat

~ cat

If so, I invite you to engage in the following process with yourself:

1.  What is the behavior or action you want to change?  Name it.

2.  What is it that you are trying to accomplish by this behavior? What need are you trying to meet?

3.  Is what you’re doing (i.e., the behavior or action) helping you meet your need?  Does this behavior/action help you accomplish your goals?

4.  Everything we do, we do for a reason – to meet a need.  What need does the behavior or action meet?  What purpose does it serve?

5.  Can you find other ways to meet all your needs – those you are trying to meet and those you are meeting?  Think of 4 other ways you can meet both needs.

For example, let’s say you have a habit of being quiet when someone is upset with you rather than speak your own truth.  You feel upset with yourself for this and want to speak up.

1.  Name the behavior – Being silent or quiet

2.  What are you trying to accomplish through this behavior?

Maybe you are afraid if you speak your truth you will lose the connection or friendship.  Maybe you are afraid you won’t be accepted. The needs you are trying to meet are connection, friendship, or acceptance.

3. Does being silent really meet your needs for connection, friendship or acceptance?

If you are unable to speak your truth in the relationship, does the relationship meet your needs for friendship and connection?  What about your needs for honesty?  How about your needs for intimacy?

4.  What needs are you meeting by being silent?

Maybe being silent meets your need for acceptance but not other needs (e.g., friendship, connection, honesty).  Does it meet your need for safety>

4.  How else might you meet your needs for connection and friendship as well as your needs for acceptance and safety other than being silent?  Is there a way for you to share what is bothering you in a way that also allows you to maintain your friendship.  List 4 possible alternatives.

1.  You can ask a third party to help you communicate with the other person.

2.  You can brainstorm with a friend how you might share your truth with that person.

3.  You can share your concern with the other person directly, including the concern you have about the friendship and your need for acceptance.

4.  You can take a class in Nonviolent Communication so you can learn new tools to speak your truth and maintain your relationships.

If you are interested in learning new skills, consider attending my next Introduction to Nonviolent Communication on two consecutive Tuesday nights, February 9th and 16th from 6:00 – 9:00pm.  For more information and to register, go to http://catjzavis.com/upcoming-events-workshopsupcoming-events-workshops.