Cat J. Zavis, Counselor at Law

I have had the privilege lately of sharing Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication in a wide variety of settings from schools to prison and the common thread I find is that almost everyone asks, “Why don’t they teach this in elementary school?”  When I reflect on that question, I realize that what people are most craving for is a way to interact with life, themselves and others with understanding and compassion rather than with judgment, criticism and blame.  I believe the reason this is the case is because we most yearn for unconditional love and acceptance - to simply know we are OK.  I believe we can begin that with ourselves.  Where do you find yourself criticizing, blaming or judging yourself and where exactly does that get you? Do you change your behavior as a result or do you just feel more awful? When you notice you have done something you regret, can you simply connect to your sadness and grief? Can you explore what you were hoping to accomplish, i.e., what need you were hoping to meet, by your choice? And can you mourn your choice and find compassion and acceptance for being human?  If so, you are on the path of being compassionate with yourself and ultimately with others as well.

Good luck and feel free to let me know how you are doing!

In journey with you ~

cat

So maybe it’s true - we all get our 15 minutes of fame, and perhaps I just got mine.  While at the International Association of Collaborative Professionals, where I presented Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication to Collaborative Professionals from all over the world, I was interviewed by Kim Wright of Cutting Edge Law about using Compassionate Communication in the context of Collaborative Practice.  If you are interested in hearing my perspective on this topic and how I utilize the skills and principles of Compassionate Communication in my practice, you can listen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfB-3C46XPc.  I’d love to hear what you think.  Thanks for your interest.

~ cat

Do you continue to make choices that do not serve you?  Do you remain stuck in patterns that create dis-ease in your life.  Do you tell yourself you have to change, yet you repeat the same patterns over and over again?

If so, I invite you to engage in the following process with yourself:

1.  What is the behavior or action you want to change?  Name it.

2.  What is it that you are trying to accomplish by this behavior? What need are you trying to meet?

3.  Is what you’re doing (i.e., the behavior or action) helping you meet your need?  Does this behavior/action help you accomplish your goals?

4.  Everything we do, we do for a reason - to meet a need.  What need does the behavior or action meet?  What purpose does it serve?

5.  Can you find other ways to meet all your needs - those you are trying to meet and those you are meeting?  Think of 4 other ways you can meet both needs.

For example, let’s say you have a habit of being quiet when someone is upset with you rather than speak your own truth.  You feel upset with yourself for this and want to speak up.

1.  Name the behavior - Being silent or quiet

2.  What are you trying to accomplish through this behavior?

Maybe you are afraid if you speak your truth you will lose the connection or friendship.  Maybe you are afraid you won’t be accepted. The needs you are trying to meet are connection, friendship, or acceptance.

3. Does being silent really meet your needs for connection, friendship or acceptance?

If you are unable to speak your truth in the relationship, does the relationship meet your needs for friendship and connection?  What about your needs for honesty?  How about your needs for intimacy?

4.  What needs are you meeting by being silent?

Maybe being silent meets your need for acceptance but not other needs (e.g., friendship, connection, honesty).  Does it meet your need for safety>

4.  How else might you meet your needs for connection and friendship as well as your needs for acceptance and safety other than being silent?  Is there a way for you to share what is bothering you in a way that also allows you to maintain your friendship.  List 4 possible alternatives.

1.  You can ask a third party to help you communicate with the other person.

2.  You can brainstorm with a friend how you might share your truth with that person.

3.  You can share your concern with the other person directly, including the concern you have about the friendship and your need for acceptance.

4.  You can take a class in Nonviolent Communication so you can learn new tools to speak your truth and maintain your relationships.

If you are interested in learning new skills, consider attending my next Introduction to Nonviolent Communication on two consecutive Tuesday nights, February 9th and 16th from 6:00 - 9:00pm.  For more information and to register, go to http://catjzavis.com/upcoming-events-workshopsupcoming-events-workshops.

In Collaborative Law Practice, we work in teams with our clients to support them to transition their lives.  Rather than fight in court, we sit together in 4-way meetings to find creative solutions that genuinely meet the unique needs of our clients.  One of the many things that inspires me about this practice is that couples who are in distress and pain see their way through their differences and find their common ground and goals.  In doing so, they create solutions that support them as individuals and their children to flourish.

“The sun never says to the earth “you owe me”.  Imagine a love like that, it can light the whole sky.”  Hafiz

Can you imagine how you’d feel if you received unconditional love - truly experienced unconditional love?; where you know that you are loved and accepted regardless of what you do or how you act?  Where you are gifted what you want, not because you will do something in return, but simply because the person loves you and wants to do something for you just because of her/his love for you. . . What would the world be like if we did things for others simply because we wanted to, not because we had to, should do so, would be punished if we didn’t or are rewarded when we do. . .

In Nonviolent Communication we learn  to contribute to others simply because doing so is joyful, meaningful or important to us, not because we want something in return.  We also strive to love others unconditionally.  That does not mean we accept behavior that is harmful or that we maintain relationships that do not serve us.  But what it does mean is that we accept people for who they are and trust that each person is doing the best she/he can in each moment.  We learn to tap into each person’s humanity and move and interact from that place.

This is the true meaning of unconditional love and acceptance - a place I strive to live.

To find out about my next workshop in Nonviolent Communication go to http://catjzavis.com/upcoming-events-workshopsupcoming-events-workshops

Do you yearn to be powerful yet fear doing so?  Do you want to be able to speak your truth but find yourself being silent?  Would you like to learn how to communicate your truth and stand in your power, while giving space for others to do the same?

If so, then come to one of my Nonviolent Communication workshops.  In my workshops, you will learn how to tell someone that deep, dark “secret” you have been afraid to share because you do not trust that they will be able to handle the truth or because you imagine they will not speak to you again.

How do you do this?  You learn how to cleanly and clearly identify what it is you are needing, to ask for what you want, and to be open to hearing what the other person is needing and what she/he wants.

To find out about my next workshop in Nonviolent Communication go to http://catjzavis.com/upcoming-events-workshopsupcoming-events-workshops.

How do we find peace in the face of duress or distress?  For me, the process of finding peace in the face of disharmony involves reminding myself that I have the power to choose how I am going to react in each moment - will I choose inner peace or inner distress?

Through my practice of Nonviolent Communication and other strategies, I have learned to slow down, connect with inner self and breathe so that I can remain grounded and peaceful even when faced with duress and distress in my interactions with others.

I use the same technique in my mediations and collaborative law cases where I practice in Bellingham, WA.  During mediations and collaborative law meetings, I slow down myself and invite and remind the clients to slow down so that we can all find some inner peace in these distressing situations.

Try this at home - when you find that you are feeling uncomfortable or distressed, breathe 5-10 times.  Not short breaths, but deep belly breaths.  Do not respond when provoked.  Instead, treat yourself with compassion and kindness.  Remember that you are a fragile being and when someone speaks to you in a way that is distressing for you, SLOW DOWN and BREATHE.  Do not react.  Then ask yourself, why am I so upset?  What do I want?  Then see what you want to do next.  You always have a choice about how to respond.  Do you want to choose inner peace or disharmony? It is your choice.

During my Nonviolent Communication workshop recently I shared a perspective that I hold and that Nonviolent Communication teaches - that we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, thoughts, actions or choices.  This struck a chord with the participants in the workshop - some having never thought of this before.  So we explored what I mean by that.

What I mean by that is that I vow to speak my truth and to do so as cleanly as possible (i.e., void of judgment, criticism or blame) and if someone feels hurt or sad because of what I’ve shared or if they have a negative reaction in response to what I’ve shared, I am not responsible for that.  All I am responsible for is how I speak, feel and act.  That is not to say that I do not care about how my choices or words affect others - I care deeply.  But, at the same time, I will honestly and vulnerably express my truth and ask that you do the same. I ask that we both take responsibility for what we do, what we say, how we feel and how we respond.

Why?  Because doing so is more empowering.  If I hold someone else responsible for how I feel or whether I get my needs met, then I am dependent on that other person to feel better or to get my needs met.  What happens if the other person does not change?  Do you want to be stuck or do you want to feel empowered to make the changes you need in your life to live the life you want?

If you want to feel empowered and at choice, please consider coming to one of my workshops or work with me one-on-one.

As a mediator, collaborative lawyer and teacher of Nonviolent Communication, I feel sad, disappointed and confused when I struggle to be able to transform conflicts in my personal life into connection and understanding.  I value embodying the practices I teach and share with others in my work in my daily life.  Yet, I’m aware that differences are inevitable and that there is struggle in life.  So I work to find peace there.

I recently read that a Japanese baseball player, of the Babe Ruth stature, said that when he gets up to bat he sees the pitcher as his partner - serving up an opportunity for him to hit a home run every time.  So I decided to transform that into my personal life.  I now see any conflict in my personal life as an opportunity to deepen my skills, experience, and wisdom so that I can share that when teaching or mediating with others.

So now, instead of dreading these interactions, they have a lightness and playfulness - an opportunity for my own growth and learning.

I wonder if you can do the same - use those moments of dis-ease and dis-comfort as invitations to deepen your growth and learning, to find peace in the face of conflict.

~ cat

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