Do you continue to make choices that do not serve you? Do you remain stuck in patterns that create dis-ease in your life. Do you tell yourself you have to change, yet you repeat the same patterns over and over again?
If so, I invite you to engage in the following process with yourself:
1. What is the behavior or action you want to change? Name it.
2. What is it that you are trying to accomplish by this behavior? What need are you trying to meet?
3. Is what you’re doing (i.e., the behavior or action) helping you meet your need? Does this behavior/action help you accomplish your goals?
4. Everything we do, we do for a reason - to meet a need. What need does the behavior or action meet? What purpose does it serve?
5. Can you find other ways to meet all your needs - those you are trying to meet and those you are meeting? Think of 4 other ways you can meet both needs.
For example, let’s say you have a habit of being quiet when someone is upset with you rather than speak your own truth. You feel upset with yourself for this and want to speak up.
1. Name the behavior - Being silent or quiet
2. What are you trying to accomplish through this behavior?
Maybe you are afraid if you speak your truth you will lose the connection or friendship. Maybe you are afraid you won’t be accepted. The needs you are trying to meet are connection, friendship, or acceptance.
3. Does being silent really meet your needs for connection, friendship or acceptance?
If you are unable to speak your truth in the relationship, does the relationship meet your needs for friendship and connection? What about your needs for honesty? How about your needs for intimacy?
4. What needs are you meeting by being silent?
Maybe being silent meets your need for acceptance but not other needs (e.g., friendship, connection, honesty). Does it meet your need for safety>
4. How else might you meet your needs for connection and friendship as well as your needs for acceptance and safety other than being silent? Is there a way for you to share what is bothering you in a way that also allows you to maintain your friendship. List 4 possible alternatives.
1. You can ask a third party to help you communicate with the other person.
2. You can brainstorm with a friend how you might share your truth with that person.
3. You can share your concern with the other person directly, including the concern you have about the friendship and your need for acceptance.
4. You can take a class in Nonviolent Communication so you can learn new tools to speak your truth and maintain your relationships.
If you are interested in learning new skills, consider attending my next Introduction to Nonviolent Communication on two consecutive Tuesday nights, February 9th and 16th from 6:00 - 9:00pm. For more information and to register, go to http://catjzavis.com/upcoming-events-workshopsupcoming-events-workshops.