Cat J. Zavis, Counselor at Law

During my Nonviolent Communication workshop recently I shared a perspective that I hold and that Nonviolent Communication teaches - that we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, thoughts, actions or choices.  This struck a chord with the participants in the workshop - some having never thought of this before.  So we explored what I mean by that.

What I mean by that is that I vow to speak my truth and to do so as cleanly as possible (i.e., void of judgment, criticism or blame) and if someone feels hurt or sad because of what I’ve shared or if they have a negative reaction in response to what I’ve shared, I am not responsible for that.  All I am responsible for is how I speak, feel and act.  That is not to say that I do not care about how my choices or words affect others - I care deeply.  But, at the same time, I will honestly and vulnerably express my truth and ask that you do the same. I ask that we both take responsibility for what we do, what we say, how we feel and how we respond.

Why?  Because doing so is more empowering.  If I hold someone else responsible for how I feel or whether I get my needs met, then I am dependent on that other person to feel better or to get my needs met.  What happens if the other person does not change?  Do you want to be stuck or do you want to feel empowered to make the changes you need in your life to live the life you want?

If you want to feel empowered and at choice, please consider coming to one of my workshops or work with me one-on-one.

As a mediator, collaborative lawyer and teacher of Nonviolent Communication, I feel sad, disappointed and confused when I struggle to be able to transform conflicts in my personal life into connection and understanding.  I value embodying the practices I teach and share with others in my work in my daily life.  Yet, I’m aware that differences are inevitable and that there is struggle in life.  So I work to find peace there.

I recently read that a Japanese baseball player, of the Babe Ruth stature, said that when he gets up to bat he sees the pitcher as his partner - serving up an opportunity for him to hit a home run every time.  So I decided to transform that into my personal life.  I now see any conflict in my personal life as an opportunity to deepen my skills, experience, and wisdom so that I can share that when teaching or mediating with others.

So now, instead of dreading these interactions, they have a lightness and playfulness - an opportunity for my own growth and learning.

I wonder if you can do the same - use those moments of dis-ease and dis-comfort as invitations to deepen your growth and learning, to find peace in the face of conflict.

~ cat